Pretense

from Walls by nost.

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lyrics

What if I were for once to speak with reality instead of idealized imagery I found as a child, leaving the ideas of friends and imposing an identity on the deep set assumption against a world that rejected me? I don't know.

Ignoring the pedestal I built with solipsistic assertions of urgently speaking like I'm different, and acting out for the few laughs that pass uneasily. Appeasing me with the idea people wanted me, when realistically, it's simply hard to live with disagreeing constantly. Because pretension in any other voice than mine is wrong or arrogant. I'm sorry for ever judging anyone. I never meant to push my ideas of right or just or bend any means to justify the ends I never had. Like water poured across the backs of cars under branches, left to find a path and wind along like masks we place like fire in a living room. This smoke and ash I'm giving you. I see you waiting by the window, framing the glass like you always do.

Because there's all of this inside of me. This guilt of living thoughtlessly. I want to make it clear to you that I'm never sure just what to do, because as far as hoping goes, I guess I chose to let it show far brighter than the lighter and bolder goals that hindsight holds against the pages written by the minds I still admire. Because they took a world burning and set it in their beds, returning every morning to the same ground I can't make shake with the same sad sound. There's so much breath inside I blew to try and take the breath from you.

But heart isn't made for self-critique... despite each regret I'd speak.